Fertility. Pregnancy. Miscarriage.
I'm sharing our story not because I'm looking for validation, sympathy or even comfort. I've found throughout this entire process that what was the most comforting to me was reading or hearing other people's stories. How is something that is SO common, we're talking 1 in every 5 pregnancies common, so rarely talked about.
Here is a summary of our story over the last 517 days:
January 2019 - We decided we were ready to start trying for a family.
March 2019 - We started actively tracking & trying to have a baby.
January 2020 - I decided I would make an appointment with a dr to make sure everything was ok.
January 2020 - March 2020 - Blood tests, samples, ultrasounds, & many appointments all to find out that we're both "perfectly healthy" & genetically cleared.
April 26, 2020 - Positive pregnancy test(s) without fertility assistance though we had the IUI medication ready to go in our fridge for my next cycle.
May 29, 2020 - Our first ultrasound appointment. Baby should be measuring at almost 9 weeks. Ryan isn't able to come inside to the appointment with me due to C*VID restrictions (understandably). Then they tell me that the baby is only measuring at 6 weeks 1 day and has no heartbeat. They tell me that we'll most likely have a miscarriage and it's likely that it just hasn't happened yet.
June 13, 2020 - On what would have been 12 weeks, we lost our baby.
What I've learned through all of this is that there is not a right way to feel, and there's not a wrong way to feel. It's ok if you want to talk about what you're going through, but it's ok to keep things to yourself. I'm not the type of person who typically shares a whole lot. I stay inside my head, normally a bit too much if I'm being honest. With all of this I've found comfort in my faith number one, but second in reading other peoples stories, hearing how they feel and knowing what they are going through and knowing I am NOT alone.
It's ok that I'm angry. I'm angry at my body, I'm angry at God. And It's. OK. I'm happy that i was able to get pregnant and that we didn't have to go through IUI or IVF. I'm happy that those resources are available and that we had great dr's to walk us through that process if we were to need it. I'm relieved that Ryan and I are both healthy and that there are no lasting impacts of this loss on my body physically to prevent us from having another child. I'm sad that we lost our first baby. I'm sad that when the due date rolls around we won't have our baby to hold.
I'm saying all of these things to share my story, but also for myself. Because like I said. I'm angry. I don't want to be angry. I want to say that I have all the faith in the world and that I'm not mad at God for having this be part of our story. But the truth is I am.
My favorite Bible verse in high school was, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. I never really knew why, for some reason it always stood out to me. Ironic, and very fitting now.
I'm lucky to have an amazing husband who has supported me from start to finish in this process. He's come to appointments, had his own appointments and cried happy and sad tears with me. All of our babies are and will be so lucky to have him as their dad.
Here are some people whose stories have really stood out to me.
Shawn Johnson - I recently started to follow her on YouTube and Instagram and came across her miscarriage story. Our stories are similar in the time frame and that it was our first pregnancy. I obviously don't have that type of platform to share on but I was touched by their story and their willingness to share and offer to be there for others going through the same thing and the reminder that we are NOT alone.
Katrina Scott from Tone It Up - I've been a "TIU girl" for years now and have always loved everything shared in the community. Then I saw Katrina's story she shared on her TikTok account about their loss of their second baby and how far along they were in that pregnancy and it broke my heart. But still, Katrina used her platform to share and give comfort to others who were experiencing the same thing. (Tone It Up)
Laura Beverlin - I recently started following Laura at the recommendation of a friend. She's been sharing her fertility journey for much longer than I've been aware of but she constantly is posting/sharing and encouraging others who are going through the same struggles. Trusting in God's timing for her and her husband to start their family.
Aly Nickerson & Kellsie Whitner - I know these girls a lot closer than I know the three ladies I listed above. Both of them were so brave in sharing their stories. Aly, with sharing about her miscarriages prior to adopting her adorable daughter and now pregnant with her little boy. Kellsie, with sharing her and her husband's journey through countless fertility treatments to now be expecting their first baby.
We are not alone.
Share your stories - encourage each other - and remember that everyone's story is different. There is not a "better" way to become a parent, and I know that Ryan and I will have our chance again. It's just not our time yet.